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The ‘Personal Bill of Rights’ –Crushing 2019!

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How Education, Sympathy, Empathy and Compassion, changes the world.

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.”

Dr. Brene Brown

Happy New Year everyone!

To open 2019 I wanted to bring in the New Year with something a little different, give us all the opportunity to  choose from a new list, choices.

A huge thank you to my friend Samantha Medved, a soon to be graduating Senior from MSU in Kinesiology, through her I learned of the ‘Personal Bill of Rights’.   I was completely unaware of this list and when I read through these thought what a perfect way to start 2019, choosing one or more of these items as a kickoff for the New Year.

With twenty-five choices  this list contains flexibility.   The idea is that we all have rights as human beings. We either  forget or we do not appreciate that we have these rights, hey everyone is different.    Perhaps we were unaware of these rights as children growing up, or like me lacked awareness or knowledge as an adult.  Becoming aware, educated and embracing these rights, learning to exercise them, we then can build a more assertive attitude. Building a positive life and become more resilient in our day-to-day living.

When we choose to respect ourselves enough to be conscious of our basic human rights, flourishing and hope blossom. Education, sympathy, empathy and compassion, all of these attributes work in combination.  Fuel for our 2019 journey!

Image result for education wordle

 

Beginning to understand how vital each of these rights are to the human condition, leading to living a quality of life that all of us desire is important to understand.  You all know me, I am all about QOL.

Image result for quality of life

 Social anxiety is so deeply connected with our self-esteem and how we value our self, that to not understand the depth of insecurities is to deny true happiness. Gotta build awareness, become educated, sympathize-empathize-rationalize building the compassion muscle.

Fear and worry leads to self-doubt, confidence is never established and darkness of the ‘Negative Energy Tornado’ can rule a person’s life.  The ‘Personal Bill of Rights’ hold power to change.

Image result for self esteem quotes

It has taken me years to accept who I am; my personal struggles with alcohol and drug abuse is well documented.  Self-medicating, hiding and lying were inextricably tied to my behavioral issues. Counseling and therapy undoubtedly saved my life.  Embracing my inadequacies, self-esteem issues, insecurities, and owning my vulnerabilities made me a better, stronger person.   I am much more aware of how important these twenty-five rights are to  rock solid confidence and determination.  Failure and poor choices, yep, gotta own all of it.

I was never going to have a solid relationship with anyone until I had a better relationship with myself.

Image result for self esteem

Everyone is entitled to each of these Twenty-Five rights.  We should be aware, sympathetic, empathetic and compassionate to those who may be suffering, have suffered and or experienced trauma in their lives. It is not shame that should drive us to suffer silently, but prideful awareness and respect which will liberate and enhance our quality of life, living a well-balanced and fulfilled existence .

Bring good people into your life by loving yourself more, I know, I believe!  Frankly it is amazing.

 

Image result for personal bill of rights

Please read and think about each of the following rights, they belong to each of us.  Find where you need clarity, leverage the dream and work it. Become accountable and accept that each of us is special.  Never allow people, situations, or past failures to control us, demean us.  Own our personal journey and destiny.  Own your life!

  1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
  2. I have the right to say NO to requests or demands I can’t or I don’t want to meet.
  3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
  4. I have the right to change my mind.
  5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
  6. I have the right to follow my own standards.
  7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
  8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
  9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
  10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
  11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
  12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
  13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m scared.”
  14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
  15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
  16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
  17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
  18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
  19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
  20. I have the right to be in a non abusive environment.
  21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
  22. I have the right to change and grow.
  23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
  24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
  25. I have the right to be happy.

source: https://explorable.com/e/personal-bill-of-rights

Be aware-

As we change and grow into the ‘Newer & Better ME’, family or friends may question the bolder, more assertive person you have become, expect it.  People do not like change, and your new confidence and self-esteem may indeed put stress on a relationship.  If it does than that is a clear signal that the person who is not embracing your rights needs to get a clue, and perhaps be kicked to the curb, it happens! If a friend or family member does not like the more confident version of you, are they a friend worth having? In time those that are worthy of your friendship, and or love will come to admire your efforts.

Being assertive you will gain self-respect, and with that respect you will increase your own sense of worth, value and integrity.   Being assertive is not being rude.  Being confident and comfortable in your own skin is a good thing.  Only through confidence can sympathetic, empathic and compassionate feelings grow.

Image result for change“If we want to cultivate hopefulness, we have to be willing to be flexible and demonstrate perseverance.”

Dr. Brene Brown

Thank you to my young friend Samatha for sharing this list with me.  You see everyone, it takes a tribe to build a village, it takes cooperation and collaboration to change a culture and its values.   It takes love, education, sympathy, empathy, and compassion to bring us together as a community.

Let us all thrive together in 2019.

Much love to you all,

Peace,

t

Life-It Is A Paradox

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“The future ain’t what it used to be”.

Yogi Berra

Image result for yogi berra

In the 21st century we, the people of what I call the  Four Phases, ‘Youth’,  ‘Young Adults’, ‘MiddleLiving’ and ‘SuperiorSeniors’ have a dichotomy of sorts.  Our two most valuable resources are needed to play the game of life correctly and  maximizing their effectiveness  takes skill.

These resources are ‘time’ and ‘information’.

Information is at its most abundant time ever in man’s history.  Lucky for all of us, especially the younger generations,  that we ‘MiddleLiving’ boomers invented the information age and this new-fangled thing called the Internet.

 Think about this-

There are 1440 minutes per day…that means there are approximately:

– 294 BILLION emails sent every day!

– 6 BILLION Google Searches each day!

– 3.5 BILLION Facebook messages posted daily!

– 40 Million Tweets shared each day!1

That is a staggering amount of information, and it is growing!

Now consider that I plan on living to 100. Currently I am 59 so I have 41 years to go.  Every day I use 86,400 seconds, my time is finite and it is shrinking.  As we grow older our mortality becomes clearer, our parents’ age and we eventually will lose them.  Our friends will grow older and we will lose them as well.

Our most precious resources are moving in opposite directions, time is finite and information seems infinite.

I believe in the power of knowledge and utilizing it to empower my well-being.  Using  information to grow wiser, healthier and happier.  I can do this by making better use of my time by staying engaged in the game of life, and employing the abundant information to its fullest.  I have a new equation to illustrate this-

Choice + Challenge= Change

The amount of change is directly proportional to the level of the challenge, you choose!  If the challenge is, well challenging, then the level of change will be large.  If the level of challenge is say ‘soft-weak-lazy-poor’ well then what do you think!  Again it is all about “YOUR” choice.

Try these-

  • Choose to be more active a little more each day
  • Choose to read a book a month
  • Choose to volunteer at the nearest elementary school
  • Choose to give back to your community, church, local charity
  • Challenge yourself, don’t take the easy way to doing anything
  • Get up earlier and come into the world of early morning fitness!

 

Peace

  1. https://www.gwava.com/blog/internet-data-created-daily-2014

‘Believe In Amazing’-An Early Jump on Resolutions

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When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun. And when you have fun, you can do amazing things.

Joe Namath

Ok everyone it is getting close to the time for a New Year’s resolution brain shift.  I personally am going to change my outlook on a few things and I wanted to share them with you.  I hope these resonate with you, will inspire you to think a little bit differently.

First if your number one New Year’s Resolution for 2019 is to lose weight, toss that one is out the window!  Think BIGGER, think-

When we start to ‘Believe in Amazing’ weight loss is not our primary goal.  And since only 8% of people are actually successful at their resolutions, we need a paradigm shift anyway.  Now we focus on our how we feel, so to ‘Believe in Amazing’ for 2019 the goal is to focus on ‘ESPM’, keeping it all simple.

  1. Eat a few more whole foods and less processed or fast food

  2. Sleep better, rejuvenate, rest

  3. Poop regularly (hey go with me here ok)

  4. Move more (anything you like that involves movement, do more of it) this certainly will help with pooping!

I love the mindset of ‘Well-Being’. Wellness is great, but in our live presentations I have the ‘Well-Being Paradigm’ and the ‘Fantastic Five’ components, which include-

  1. Wellness and its eight dimensions consisting of the-

    • Physical & Intellectual

    • Occupational & Financial

    • Emotional & Spiritual

    • Social & Environmental       

  2. Technologies- All the cool stuff that the 21st century has to offer

  3. Science-  Think about ‘Epigenetics’ or ‘The Human Genome’, ever heard of “23 and Me”?

  4. Medicine – Hyper Personalized and very, very specific to you

  5. Behaviors – Why we think the way we do and do the things we think.  Habits, yes it is all about developing a system.

Our goals are to just feel great and do the small things that will help us get there.  47% of people make a resolution with self improvement and or educational related resolutions.  I love this and its fabulous!

Will you be one of the 47%?

With our new emphasis on ‘Believing in Amazing’ and incremental change, (smaller goals are achievable goals) we are going to change the way we think about the New Year and the new you and me.

I love the thought of ‘Incremental Self-Improvement’ and ‘Educational’ resolutions!

A large number of people, 38%, make weight related resolutions.  Hey don’t get me wrong about this goal, I embrace and encourage everyone to think positive. Just reframe our resolution goals to ‘Believe Amazing’ and  weight loss becomes the lead into feeling better, living longer and just enjoying your hard earned achievements.

Try these-

  • Spend more time with positive people
  • Help others
  • Share knowledge with our children and young people
  • Be a leader
  • Think and ‘Believe in Amazing’ because you are!

peace

Source- http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

Embracing My ‘Midlife Crisis’

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I had always thought that a ‘Midlife Crisis’ was a time around fifty years old.  Mine hit me like a sledgehammer when I was thirty-seven. I have always been an outlier, so expecting anything different, well, probably not happening.   Psychology today defines Midlife as- “the central period of a person’s life, spanning from approximately age 40 to age 65”. Where “adults may take on new job responsibilities and therefore often feel a need to reassess their professional standing and make changes while they feel they still have time.”  [i]

In my case the re-assessment was not due to a work situation, not even close, it was time to get off the 20 year long party bus.  Been through a terrible marriage, lived in my own self-pity party and used the “woe is me” excuse for self-medicating and blaming everything and everyone else for my problems.  Little did I know that the emptiness that had become my life was my own lack of accountability for my own problems.  When accountability arrives, you can start to love yourself a little more.  This small step was the beginning of a new life.

In the 1965 article “Death and the Midlife Crisis” psychologist Elliot Jaques coined the term “Midlife Crisis,” referring to a time when adults reckon with their own mortality and their remaining years of productive life.  Midlife can be a tense time, and many people feel unhappy and edgy as they fight with the thought of growing older, our mortality, and our sense of purpose in life.[ii]

Image result for midlife crisis

When I decided to get sober and go into therapy, I had just turned 38 years old.  Up until then life was a carousel of routines and habits, which for the most part were mostly bad.  Routines that included being a single dad and a person who avoided loving interpersonal romantic relationships.  Daily after work self-indulgence, what I called “going into the garage” led to a pattern and habit that needed to end.

The steps to self-improvement would begin through counseling I received; the kindness of a psychologist who actually did not see patients but took me on as a favor to my physician that would begin the journey of accountability and reflection.  You see owning your issues; facing the emptiness and loneliness that is problem drinking and drugging can actually be very liberating.  Taking buried feelings, some from my childhood, and facing my identity was the key to lifting myself out of a dysfunctional and morally wrong lifestyle.

Image result for midlife crisis

What I needed to do was grow up.  This perpetual 20 something lifestyle that haphazardly fell into my 30’s was a train wreck waiting to happen.  I needed to know ‘who I was, and what was my purpose in life’, ‘where was I going and why am I doing all of this?’  At some point, I had to realize that unresolved issues, like dropping out of college in my 20’s, and my failed marriage were my own fault.  Sometimes you just gotta grow a pair, you know what I mean?

In my work, I have come to the realization that life is a set of phases, that growth and maturity happen at different times for people, but we all really do live in these four phases.  For me it started with youth (birth-18), young adulthood (19-39), MiddleLiving, the sweet spot and biggest of my phases (40-85), and the glorious time of becoming a ‘Superior Senior’ (86+).  Yours may be slightly different, everyone matures differently but I think you see the point.  If we embrace the phases for what they are, opportunities for experiential growth and learning, we never enter into the ‘crisis’ mode.

Image result for growing older is great

Crisis is defined as, “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.  A time when a difficult or important decision must be made”.[iii]  A Midlife Crisis can start as a small or irritating doubts which may encourage a series of intense irrational events potentially leading to thoughts of doubt which ultimately can lead to great change. A person experiencing challenges with midlife may ask herself “Is this all there is”?  Or “am I a failure”?  It will be at this time that those who can see past the cloudy doom or getting old and embrace the thought and excitement of ‘growing older’ that the experiential lifestyle takes on new meaning.  Searching for happiness is not the answer, because the more we search, the more confounding and unhappy we become.  Buying ‘things’ a new car, the latest computer, smart phone won’t work.  Abandoning or even betraying relationships, as dreadful as some may seem, potentially could be better served by investing some soul, some energy, and some effort.  Statistics point out that those with connections, friends, outlets and hobbies live longer and lead a more fulfilling life.

Quitters never win and winners never quit!

The universe possesses and is made up of energy, so are we.  Attracting like souls, building new friendships, exploring new opportunities is at a new place in our human existence.  The Internet has completely changed everything.  Barriers to entry are shattered, the ‘Creative Destruction’ (new ways of doing things which in essence lead to positive changes) was  described by Economist Joseph Schumpeter and called ‘Schumpeter’s Gale’ by some was coined in the 1940’s.  Today ‘Creative Destruction’, carries even more weight, responsibility and opportunity.  It is how we choose, when we choose, or if we choose to live with love and open hearts attracting the positive energy that is so abundant in the Universe, leveraging the potential of positive change through Schumpeter’s, ‘Creative Destruction’.

I have a new model that I am using for the rest of my life, I call this “The Four Pillars”! I would love to inspire and encourage everyone to think about this as we all mature and stay relevant in our lives.  What are your pillars?  My pillars are-

Passion –> Purpose –> Optimism –> Faith

By allowing your pillars to support your life you will find meaning. It will be through finding meaning that happiness finds you.  The pillars support the catalyst, the catalyst opens the adjacent possibles.  My personal journey has been a continual building of the future. The darkness when understood, gives foundational strength and opportunity to embrace personal pillars.  Cornerstones give strength to a strong castle that is life.

I love the words ‘Lynchpin’ and ‘Serendipity’; those two words are what have helped me to embrace my growing older with grace and excitement.  If we all can remember that life is a gift, which we can only control what happens within our own minds and then lead to fulfillment and success.

Use another acronym that I love, ‘I-Squared-Inspire & Influence’ when you live with joy, with grace, with compassion and with empathy you never get old, you survive all crisis’s, you reach as Abraham Maslow taught us in his hierarchy of needs, the pinnacle of life, ‘self-actualization’.

We all need to become ok in our own skin, sometimes it takes longer to really understand how important it is to love oneself.  Believe me, it took me a while, hardships, poor decisions, morally corrupt behavior to grasp what is truly good.  When you do finally realize that as the Universal energy is always surrounding us, accepting how important it is to live with grace and purpose begins with love, laughing and sharing, I now love my life so much it is crazy.  At some point, together we all can reach this level, I want to help, I owe the Universe because it took care of me when I did not love myself very much, and for that I am very grateful.

Thank you to my young friend Hannah Messing for giving me some advice and editorial feedback on this article.  Her input on many of our generational objectives is appreciated.  ‘Be Grateful’

[i] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/midlife

[ii] ibid

[iii] https://www.google.com/search?q=define+crisis&oq=define+crisis&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.4655j1j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Stuck in the Past

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“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”

Bil Keane

Image result for drug and alcohol abuse

Sometimes we make the critical mistake of dwelling on something that has happened in the past.  Personally it took me quite some time to come to grips with my demons of alcohol and drug abuse, however once I accepted my choices moving on became the new-new me.

Having history hold you back is very common and can be a major limiting belief, an albatross.  Do any of these scenarios sound familiar-

  • You wish you could push the rewind button so you could get a ‘do over’ in a portion of your life
  • You struggle with regrets about your past
  • You feel the best days in your life are past you

We may subconsciously feel that if I am miserable long enough, eventually I will forgive myself.  I know I was guilty of this, are you?

The fear of moving forward, and of future successes, may be holding firmly in the past.  We can overcome, and together we can become liberated and free.  All dwelling on the past does is cloud our minds of the brightness that can be the future new-new you!

Romanticizing on the “glory-days” is simply an escape from reality, a major distraction, and frankly a waste of time.  Being stuck in the past can interfere with the future. It does not solve anything and can lead to darkness and depression.

Image result for drug and alcohol abuse

Let’s think about these-

  • Create a plan to help someone else, use your experience as a catalyst for good
  • Give yourself permission to move forward, self -forgiveness is a blessing
  • Understand that moving forward with your life is challenging and potentially painful, it’s ok
  • Embrace and accept past events so you can make living in the present fulfilling
  • Love yourself for who you are, because if you don’t no one else will

peace

The ‘Well Being Paradigm’

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“For me, fitness is not just about hitting the gym; it is also about an inner happiness and an overall well-being.”

Rakul Preet Singh

I am a believer that ‘Wellbeing’ is a key to growing older with zest and pizazz.  I have used the term in a speech that I deliver called the ‘Well Being Paradigm’ with the paradigm consisting of five components. I label these the “Fantastic-Five”, which are-

  • Wellness
  • Science
  • Technology
  • Medicine
  • Behavior

Each of these components has its own depth. One of the fun parts of discussing the journey and mission of living and flourishing is talking about these.  For example in my world, ‘Wellness’ is the leadoff hitter. The ‘WBP’ (wellbeing paradigm) has eight levels which are-

  • Physical and Intellectual
  • Occupational and Financial
  • Spiritual and Emotional
  • Social and Environmental

Identifying your strength and relative weakness in any of these subcategories can help us grow.  This is a key to Generativity.  Psychologist Eric Erickson is attributed with this concept and I was introduced to it by my friend and guest on our radio program Psychologist Dr. Debbie Heiser.  Framed by giving back to society through raising our children, being productive at work and becoming involved in community activities and organizations, Generativity helps us develop a sense of being a part of the larger life picture.

Image result for generativity vs stagnation

Being in the ‘MiddleLiving’ phase of life (40-85) gives all of us ample opportunity to make amends, shape our future and give back.  I like to say that the “Bling-Bling doesn’t have the same Ring-Ring” it once did. Understanding and working within the ‘Fantastic-Five’ can enable our continued development and growth.

Generativity is the rocket fuel that can launch us into a fulfilled life. Growth does not stop at a certain age, and it actually can be enhanced as we grow into the next chapters.  It is up to each of us to determine the robustness, think about this-

  • Flourishing is reflective of positivity
  • Happiness is an attribute of mental health
  • Life satisfaction is part of each person’s soul
  • Giving back enhances it all, in every way, every day!

Peace

The Making of a Super Hero

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We raise our children to be pillars of society, those stalwarts that stand the test of time.  Like Luke Cage we hope for the best as Mike Colter shares in this excerpt from Emma Brown’s article–

“Luke is one of the more redeeming characters that I’ve played,” explains actor Mike Colter, star of Netflix’s new superhero drama Luke Cage. “He has his issues, but for the most part he’s a no-B.S. kind of character. He’s a straightforward kind of guy, and he doesn’t take a lot of nonsense, doesn’t suffer fools,” he continues. “I think there’s a lot of places we can go with him and I hope to develop him even more.”

As we grew up, and believe me we watched a ton of television, (remember way pre Internet) we had Adam West as the “Wham-Bop-Crunch” man of almost steel-

Or going way back in the day we had George Reeves as the television ‘Man of Steel’ (black and white version) Superman-

We had of all people Bill Bixby-

Seriously, Bill portrayed Bruce Banner playing the Incredible Hulk on the television series from 1977-82 (yep five years) national television.

Well of course everyone remembers that Bill somehow transformed himself into Lou Ferrigno-

 

Lastly we have Wonder Woman and that first honor actually belongs to a truly awful 1967 TV show starring Ellie Wood Walker that was taken in a campy sitcomy direction. Thankfully, things were destined to get better seven years later—but not by much!

No comparison to my favorite (even though Gal Gadot does a pretty solid job) Lynda Carter was the total bomb-

Our latest Super Hero, and this one is a ‘Man’s Man’ is, drum roll please Tyler, ‘Mr. America’ Swedburg,


Lord help me!

Squats, the key to Leg Health

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“If you don’t squat, you ain’t squat.”

Unknown

The squat is the single most important exercise we do in the gym. Why? Because life demands that we do it numerous times each day, standing up, sitting down, getting out of a car, you get the picture.  So it’s vital to establish a good foundation for this movement pattern.

My squat has been described as “the worst thing ever” by my own daughter!  I am determined to fix this and make my squat better.

I worked with a student at MSU to determine my problem doing a deadlift. He quickly saw that my squat was horrible.Déjà vu;dang heard this before!

Open the hips, increase hip flexor mobility and I have it.  Well maybe, it turns out I had other imbalances that were also inhibiting the squat move. My erector spinae, the long back muscles next to the spine needed work as well.

If I was ever to be decent and maybe good at a lift like a deadlift, my squat must improve and my back must become stronger. Bad form such as leaning forward while squatting is a back injury waiting to happen.

Look up “Butt Wink”!

Like any exercise, it’s important to make the squat work for you. No pain, no gain is not in this equation. Stretching and strengthening your hips and large back muscles is a slow process, and it all revolves around great form.

“If our patterns are off, we become limited in our range of motion or get weaker in the muscles we need to stand up and sit down safely,” says fitness expert David Jack. “We’ll begin to compensate and use other muscles we shouldn’t in order to do everyday movements.”

Bad habits creep up on us.  Work on these, slowly!

  • Set your feet, face a wall, make a prayer hand movement
  • Keeping your eyes forward, chest up, and heels planted move down, lower slowly, not leaning into the wall
  • Once you squat as far as comfortable, push through your heels to return to standing.
  • Spend time performing static stretches of the calf and hip flexor

 

 

Have You Ever Had the, “I’m In Over My Head Feeling”?

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‘Imposter Syndrome’

Understanding and Responding to

On March 29th, 2018 I attended a lunch/keynote at Michigan State University, it was greatness!  The topic was talking about the ‘Imposter Syndrome’ and was presented by Dr. Valerie Young,  who is an expert on this topic.
Below are my notes from the lunch.
Success can separate you from people/ Women and men have different levels of competence Evals/ women much higher, 75% of people have this feeling at some point in their life!
Quote-
“I am burdened by great potential”
Linus

Formula for change-Info + Insight + Tools
Pauline Clancy & Suzanne Ives- Imposter “Syndrome”
Talk our success up to luck and other things/due to many other factors/and the incredible amount of reasons and creativity to not give ourselves credit, other than the real,
Problem is we worry about being “Found Out”/ very common
WHY!
Perfection/for kids, praise is like oxygen
Scholarly isolation
Highly competitive/tenure process/ highly educated environment
Every organization has their own culture/hierarchy/putting things into context
Pressure to represent/ Being the youngest/ Being the oldest
Stereotypes about competence/you are not as good, or not good enough
Adequate
Competence Bias/Ingrained/this is where Valerie wanted to focus attention
Common source/if you ask for help, people with imposter syndrome feel shame
Perfectionist – plenty of room for shame/ perceived failure
Natural genius –
Soloist-
Expert-
‘Super’ person-
Keep the hunger, but let go of the shame of ‘not knowing’
Formula for change-Info + Insight + Tools
  1. Become aware of you imposter/confidence PATTERN (Whenever I am in a situation where). I usually experience feelings of. And then the negative inner voice starts yapping, What do I typically do,,, example//qualifiers
  2. Recognize imposter behaviors-Coping strategies,,,, Unconscious/fly under radar/safer//procrastination///never start,,,, or finish///// Over working/over preparing to cover supposed ineptness
  3. Understand what you’re getting out of this/what does this help me avoid//what does this protect me from///what did it help me get
  4. At what cost/what will happen if I never change this pattern//what price am I paying///What opportunities and what experiences might I miss out on?
These all work, but at a price!!!!
Talk about the Cure-3 things
  • Show up
  • You cannot share your way out of imposter feelings
  • Normalize imposter feelings, there are 70% of people who feel that way,,, Talk yourself down faster,,imposter ‘moments’ not ‘life’
  • Reframe- stop feeling like an imposter, stop thinking like one, keep getting better, constructive feedback is a gift, give me information that will make me better,,,,no one wins them all,,,,,failures and setbacks happen—it’s what you do with them///Non-imposters know—smart is highly overrated//Always a learning curve///the more you do anything, you’ll get betterment////No one excels at everything!!!!!///Winging it can be a skill/you cannot know everything ahead of time-or ever////its ok to say, “I don’t know”/////Reframe——-FEAR!///Keep saying “I am excited////your body does not know the difference between fear and excitement
  • Keep going——-REGARDLESS!//// everyone loses when bright people play small

Colin Jackson- ‘Be Empathetic’

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Excerpts from our newest book-

The following essay is a chapter from our latest book titled ‘Generation Us, Living-Loving-Learning, Building Benevolent Togetherness‘.

‘Colin Jackson (Be Empathetic) is one of the most talented and humble young men I know, he is the most self-effacing gentleman ever. I thought it interesting and cool to have the dual perspectives of a younger man/millennial.

Thank you, Colin, for this submission, it made me tear up, truthfully!’

“Be Empathetic” by Colin Jackson

Humans have always struggled with empathy. As self-focused beings, we sometimes can’t understand others’ feelings. To get where someone else comes from takes time and effort. Most of the time, it’s much easier to center on our viewpoint instead of placing ourselves in another person’s shoes. If we’re right, we can comfort ourselves. We don’t ask if it matters as much as being compassionate and empathetic. Empathy means being “the bigger person”. We seldom follow through in a genuine attempt and that’s a problem. Frustration comes naturally when someone falls short. Almost everyone’s trying their best already—it’s our job to help make each other’s best better.

Empathy is hard. It appears easy but it’s not. The easiest way to describe empathy is “feeling with”. Without wearing someone’s shoes, it’s difficult to tell someone’s journey let alone imagine what that person’s feeling. I went to school with a kid that overdosed on heroin. I didn’t know him. I don’t believe I ever said more than an awkward “hey” to him when I walked past him in the hallway if our eyes met. As far as I know, he dropped out. After I graduated, news came out that he OD’d. I was video chatting with my friend shortly after and his death came up. She mentioned that his passing put things in perspective. It may have felt like a bad day. But someone nearby had the worst day of his life every day.

That story isn’t to say my empathy as a stranger could have saved his life. It’s not my place to make that claim or assumption. Instead, it demonstrates a type of thinking for when conflict arises. We gain nothing from judging one another for how we carry ourselves. Judgment minus reflection avoids dealing with problems head on. To simply conclude “this is bad” or “this is good” without looking at the surrounding circumstances would be lazy. Doing so would serve as an excuse not to take the time to understand where someone is coming from or why one feels the way one does. We choose to take the easy road for our own sake in those moments.

Growth requires choosing the harder path. Literature, religion, and proverbs point to this. Being understanding can mean fighting a natural reaction. Going down the road less taken sounds scary because it is, though no less important. Actor Michael K. Williams hosts a television show called Black Market. In its trailers, he speaks of wanting to show a window “to understanding why people do things they do—where that desperation comes from”. For him, that meant spending time with gun smugglers, poker house operators, drug addicts, carjackers and others that society deems criminal.

Views of the humans behind what easily seems like inhumane behavior made the show important. It’s not always apparent why someone feels the need to steal a car and it’s certainly easy to label anyone who does as a bad human being. A simple label though doesn’t do anything to curb the desire to steal cars. Sneering doesn’t help people move toward a better life than that of a drug-addicted shoplifter. Ignoring someone’s potential because of their mistakes and current situation ends up costing everyone. People fall. They find themselves in bad places and do bad things. Recognizing when to help people in those spots and make their best better advances society.

It’s important to treat each other as humans first instead of adversaries or objects. Chance the Rapper demonstrates this perfectly in the second half of his two-part tale “Pusha Man/Paranoia” from 2013’s Acid Rap. In it, he laments on life inside Chicago, a city reporters and outsiders dubbed “Chiraq” based upon the amount of violent deaths. Commonly, outsiders complain about the violence and deem those that live in the thick of it as savages. Chance offers a different perspective on this central to the idea of empathy. “I know you scared / You should ask us if we scared too / If you was there / Then we’d just knew you cared too,” Chance calls out to anyone listening. His hometown didn’t need condemnation and fear, it needed love.

Society doesn’t improve when we our initial response to disagreement is to fight. When we disagree, or perceive something as completely wrong, empathizing and trying to learn why others feel that way brings us closer. There’s no way for us to know if the person that seemed rude over the phone or behaved curtly is having a worse day than us or dealing with more than us. We can find out, though, if there’s anything we can do to help them find a better mood. Once we can see how they came to those results, maybe our own perspectives can shift. If we still hold the way we feel and their perspective doesn’t change, we at least know we tried and hopefully have more respect for each other.

Social media helped expose social lack of empathy. Less practiced, empathy thrives on immersion into opposing views and experiences. Tailored content on our social media feeds fixes it so that we rarely see anything we disagree with. Many liken it to an echo chamber. Challenges are necessary to grow. In a world where we only see what we agree with, we don’t have those same challenges. Thus, when confronted, it’s a natural reaction to go into attack mode instead of listen mode. People choose to listen to talk back rather than listen to understand. None of this leads anywhere. All this lacks compassion.

Occasionally hashtags poking fun at millennials trend on Twitter. They point out the usual stereotypes about my generation like us being lazy, addicted to our phones, unfocused and unable to carry a conversation, etc. Many of these are true and, at the end of the day, they are mostly jokes. Roles almost always reverse when millennials return the favor by teasing older generations for using a young people’s platform to rag on them. Young people respond by adding the fact that older generations built the world that shaped millennials’ habits.

This exchange misses the reasons each side feels the way they do. It also misses the parts each generation can offer. My generation earned the nickname, the participation medal generation. Mainly members of previous generations call us soft and complain about participation awards. They don’t try to see why inclusion has value to us. The world can seem like an unforgiving place stacked against success. By solely labeling millennials as soft or lazy, older generations miss just how hard and competitive our world is and how impossible it really is for a young person to be lazy and successful. Again, ignoring potential. If my generation ignores the wisdom other ones have gained, we lose that knowledge in favor of being hard-headed.

Identity has caused major problems between generations. Gender and sexual identity seems to rank among the worst. A debate over a concept that is more complicated than society gives credit doesn’t feel right here. Instead, I will take the approach that people can self-identify as whatever gender or sexual identity fits them best. It’s not my place nor anyone else’s to place a value judgment on another person’s experience so I won’t. Seeing see how hard things are for people because they’re themselves is enough for me to recognize I am not them.

Many find fluid gender and sexual identities hard to understand or swallow. Acceptance can come down to empathy. Life is tough for people that aren’t considered “normal”. For many transgendered individuals, life can be impossible as they often face violence, higher rates of homelessness and a social stigma among other hardships. Rather than judge a group in these situations, we can put ourselves in their shoes and imagine what life would be like facing those same hardships because of something about ourselves we can’t change.

Parents can have a hard time dealing when a child reveals their true self. My friend stayed closeted to his family until recently. His immediate family took it hard. From the outside, it seemed like his parents centered on their own point of view. In his words, “they are trying to get over it and ignore it”. Instead, they could have focused on trying to understand what their son was feeling and trying to get how hard it must have been for him to be himself. Once he posted a Facebook status announcing his orientation, I scrolled through comments. In the small sample, I saw family members of his that seemed supportive and willing to learn though maybe not entire sure of how to react. That’s the type of attitude more people need to have.

Choosing empathy means asking “what are they feeling” instead of “why don’t they see it my way?” It also entails taking the hard path. It requires using every bit of patience. At the end, it means working towards growth rather than to be right. It can come naturally when we see someone upset because they lost out on a job or a promotion. Moments that frustrated us the most, are the times we need to exercise empathy the most. It does us no good to exert our anger on someone else because of a disagreement. It does us much better to understand someone else’s position and work together for a better solution.

Angela’s Good Vibe- ’30 Seconds of Love’

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Food to Energy

 Balance & WellBeing

Today more than ever, we are bombarded with marketing, opinions, statistics and labeling that are confusing the simple truth of food nutrition. We are one of the wealthiest nations, and yet we have the highest levels of chronic disease and obesity. People are mislead, confused, and addicted to the chemical arsenal in the grocery aisle. It is so simple that it can become maddening as we attempting to filter the lies from truth.

I am a promoter of an 85/15 diet. These numbers are meant to be a guide, making it easy to establish a relationship with the food on your plate. The 85% represents the amount of whole food nutritional content ingested, while the 15% is the allowance for coffee, occasional alcohol, desert, or otherwise. When working with clients, I do not force huge change. In my opinion, its a set up for failure. We begin with looking at a 60/40 or 70/30 and work our way to the better. If you come from an 30/70, this 60/40 will make an undeniable change for the better and will naturally motivate you to take it further for your own personal wellbeing. That is the way it works, momentum builds. We want to leave room for play!  What is life without freedom to roam?

The way that this will look is easy when you consider your plate like a pie. Half to three quarters of your pie should be organic, fresh vegetable produce. Focus on adding healthy portions of your protein source and carbs. As this way of eating becomes more habitual, you will begin to fill more of your plate with this living, highly nutritional food. Steadily, you will push out more of the highly processed foods that make up the SAD (Standard American Diet). You will be increasing whole, living, and healthy fleshed foods, while decreasing dead food, or processed sugar, refined starches and grains, high saturated animal fats, and added stimulants lacing processed foods. Your body will shift from an acidic and inflamed stated to an alkaline and thriving state.

The beauty of adopting an 85/15 diet, is that your body remembers what health feels like and it will be miraculous to your body. You do not have to be extreme. Aim or 60/40, 70/30 and just begin the process. Your body and your mind will thank you! Eating whole foods and living a healthy lifestyle is the greatest investment you can make in your life. You are worth it, your family is worth it, and when you are ready, you will do it!!!

 

Angela N Joseph , LMT, CHC, CN

Wellness & Lifestyle Coach

Intuitive Bodyworker

Changing Bodies Changing Minds

                  Changing Lives

Tom’s Top Ten List

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  1. Faith- Not believing in yourself, your plan, and your organizations methods limits effectiveness. Enabling beliefs must be embraced, limiting beliefs kicked to the curb.

  2. Vision and imagination-If you cannot see it or imagine it, stop right here and focus on this one point, this one is the deal breaker to the new you. You must be able to dream!

  3. Goals- Once you have the your vision, now you can build a plan

  4. Positive mental attitude-Wear a smile in your day and help others become happier

  5. Happiness- If you embrace the first four items, easily achievable

  6. Habits- Trigger, response, reward. Build good habits and bad ones will disappear, simple.

  7. Fear- If you are afraid of success you will never be successful.

  8. Love- Loving yourself is number one, without that you can never love anything.

  9. Enthusiasm- This contagion can change the whole enterprise.

  10. Catalyst- Your mechanism for lift off

Tom’s ‘Excellent Eight’ Life Hack Systems ++++++

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Tom’s

Excellent Eight

“Life Hack System”

-Definition of ‘Life Hack’-

Life hack (or life hacking) refers to any trick, shortcut, skill, or novelty method that increases productivity and efficiency, in all walks of life. The term was primarily used by computer experts who suffer from information overload or those with a playful curiosity in the ways they can accelerate their workflow in ways other than programming.

 

1.Water & Fiber – Microbiota/Microbiome (Lunch)  (My personal ‘Anchors’)

2.Move More – Lymphatic/Filter (Jump)

 

 

 

 

3.Sleep Deeply – Glymphatic/Brain Flush (Apnea, my article and story)

4.Dream Large – See it/Be it (Tom’s ‘Brain Map’)

5.Time Ownership – Resource/Precious (Einstein)

6.Incremental Growth – Self Improvement  (Books)

7.Connect Constantly – Give freely (Compassion)

8.Routines & Habits – Cue/Response/Reward (Sticky)

Conceptual clock for a healthy life

 

Additional side thoughts-

  • Respecting yourself and finding the true meaning of you–> What is YOUR meaningful path?
  • What is YOUR capacity?
  • Waking up excited for the day–> Having valued goals–>What is the long term ideal?
  • Ask yourself, “who do I want to be”, it makes no difference how old you are.
  • Be all in–>Take THE LEAP OF FAITH!
  • Point to the distance (goals) but live in the day!

Dr. Jordan Petersons top ten rules for success

  1. Stop doing the wrong things
  2. Make a schedule
  3. Clarify your thoughts
  4. Take the meaningful path
  5. Specify your goals
  6. Stop saying things that make you weak
  7. Adopt the mode of authentic being
  8. Learn from your errors
  9. Have a conversation with yourself
  10. Aim high

Sleep: Quality, Duration, and Our Health

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I have sleep apnea, a condition that reportedly affects 2-4% of the US population. If I had not married my wife, Sandy, in 2001 I may have never had the incentive to have my “unusual” sleeping patterns checked out. I say unusual because I was completely clueless in regard to my “unusual” patterns. I mean heck I was sleeping, right? I always thought I slept really well, most sleep apnea sufferers do.

Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) is not restricted to a particular gender and is associated with daytime sleepiness, cognitive impairment, hypertension, myocardial infarction (interruption of the blood supply to the heart), pulmonary hypertension (high blood pressure), and arrhythmias (irregular heartbeat). OSA is characterized by brief periods of interrupted breathing during sleep, and episodes can last from 10-30 seconds and recur at a rate of 400 times a night. A diagnosis of OSA is normally indicated by a Respiratory Distress Index (RDI) of over 5, (0-5 is considered normal). A mild RDI is as high as 20, 20-40 moderate, and over 40 severe.

I was in the 30-40 range, not good as my sleep study diagnosis said my episodes were upwards of 300 times a night, and I was completely unaware. Insidious, oh yes!

OSA occurs when the trachea (windpipe) is obstructed so that a person is unable to draw sufficient air into the lungs. The blockage may be caused by the person’s tongue, tonsils, or uvula (our little hanger in the back of our throats). It can also be attributed to fatty tissue in the throat. Frequently the first clue you may have developed OSA is from a sleeping partner who complains about snoring or long pauses in breathing patterns at night.

This, in fact, was my case. Sandy and I were married in 2001 and she has always had issues with uniformity in her sleep. She actually has had a sleep study and was not diagnosed with OSA but a condition called Disjointed Sleep. My becoming her sleep partner exacerbated this issue. As a classic snoring, flipping, moving, wild man something needed to be done. My sleep study confirmed her suspicions; I have OSA, and a relatively severe case. That being said, I never had any clue there was a problem. I always felt like I slept pretty well, so the news was very surprising. When I met with the doctor who specializes in sleep disorders he asked me a question I will never forget. He said, “Can you sit in a chair and just fall asleep?” I said, “Well yeah, can’t everyone?” His response was an emphatic “NO!”.

Did you know that it is reported that there is a two to seven fold increased risk in motor vehicle crashes due to OSA? Neither did I.

Reginald Howard “Reggie” White (December 19, 1961 – December 26, 2004) was an American college and professional football player who was a defensive end in the NFL for fifteen seasons during the 1980s and 1990s. He played college football for the University of Tennessee and was recognized as an All-American. The two-time NFL Defensive Player of the Year, 13-time Pro Bowl and 12-time All-Pro selection holds 2nd place all-time amongst career sack leaders with 198.5. He was also known for his Christian ministry as an ordained Evangelical minister, leading to his nickname, “The Minister of Defense.”

On the morning of December 26, 2004, White was rushed from his home in Cornelius, North Carolina, to a nearby hospital in Huntersville, North Carolina, where he was pronounced dead. White had suffered a fatal cardiac arrhythmia. The most likely cause of this, according to the Mecklenburg County Medical Examiner’s Office, was the cardiac and pulmonary sarcoidosis (a disease in which abnormal collections of chronic inflammatory cells, with an unknown cause) with which he had lived for years. It was also stated that sleep apnea, which White was known to suffer from may have contributed to his death. He was 43 years old.

To say I was shocked would be a massive understatement; we were exactly the same age. I am blessed to have married Sandy. Without her insistence of getting my sleep study done who knows what may have happened.

The average American has reportedly a yearly sleep deficit of anywhere from two hundred to five hundred hours. A National Sleep Foundation poll calculated that people sleeping eight or more hours a night dropped from 38% to 26% in 2005.

The function of sleep in addition to the duration and quality of sleep are all elements that are still being reviewed and tested. As we do not currently understand the totality of sleep function, there are still unknowns. We do know that a reduction in sleep causes fatigue, performance at a reduced level, with increased risks to our health and even mortality.

There have been many significant studies focused on the amount of time that has been shaved off our “normal” sleep duration, particularly over the last 20-30 years due to societal pressures such as increasing jobs or demands rather than biological changes. There have also been numerous studies from such sleep restriction activities such as lowered response times, lack of clarity in decision making, and even longer term health impacts.

One study from the National Health Interview Survey examined individuals from a wide range of occupations – everything from manufacturing to publication administration. They found that the percent of workers reporting sleep of 6 hours or less per night increased from 24 to 30% in the last 20 years.1

Not only is sleep necessary as for survival as good nutrition, and breathing, but it is vital for restorative healing and well-being. It is a critical component to brain health and learning. Rather than embracing our need for quality sleep, we seem to be finding more ways to do without it, notably the rise in energy drink consumption among our younger generations.

According to Mintel (a leading market research company) the energy drink market was valued at $4.8 billion in 2008, exhibiting 440% growth in current prices and 363% growth after measuring for inflation during 2003 to 2008. It forecasts energy drink sales increases by 63% in current prices and 40% in inflation-adjusted prices from 2008 to 2013.

Health Consequences of Diminished Sleep Duration

These findings are all listed at a magnificent white paper from the National Sleep Foundation at http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/white-papers/how-much-sleep-do-adults-need, documenting the effects of a sleep duration of 4 hours a night for 1-2 nights for normal individuals.

  • Increased heart rate and blood pressure2
  • Increased inflammation (as measured by C-reactive protein which could be a potential risk factor for coronary artery disease3
  • Impaired glucose tolerance (possibly a prelude to the development of diabetes)4
  • Increased hunger/appetite (which could promote obesity)5

Sleep deprivation affects our quality of life (QOL) and well-being, and creates a state of chronic stress, affecting what is known as homeostasis in our equilibrium. In other words, balance is completely whacked. That is why the information from the National Sleep Foundation is so critical to grasp.

Lack of sleep triggers complex metabolic changes linked to poor food choices, cravings, and obesity. Scientific studies have shown that those people who slept fewer than five hours a night weighed significantly more than those who slept more than eight hours, a difference that is attributed to stress hormones cortisol, and appetite hormones Leptin and Grehlin, hormones that are critical to appetite and metabolism.

Technology has been driving the proverbial bus as an impetus for sleep deprivation, it is a vicious cycle. As with many of our 21st century health issues everything is interrelated. Sleep disorders are numerous and include not only sleep apnea and insomnia but also many more such as narcolepsy, somniloquy (sleep talking), restless legs syndrome, bruxism (clenching and grinding your teeth), night terrors and rapid eye movement behavior disorder.

So What to Do?

In my case, my sleeping partner helped encourage me to get the diagnosis and treatment I needed as I was completely unaware. For you it could be talking to your physician in an open dialogue. It could be a simple change for example limiting caffeinated drinks, alcohol or sugary foods. It could be an environmental solution such as a darkened room, and limiting exposure to television, computers, or smart phones.

The causes are many and the remedy may be simple. First you must understand what is at stake. While we still work to understand the full function of sleep, we do know sleep is vital to not only our quality of life but also to our very health. Take it from a guy who now sleeps well, I am sure that my journey of health improvement and weight loss has a direct correlation to Sandy finally saying “You need to get checked out.”

I did get that check up and I love her even more for potentially saving my life.

References

1 Luckhaupt SE, SangWoo T, Calvert GM. The prevalence of short sleep duration by industry and occupation in the national health interview survey. Sleep. 2010;33:149-59.

2 Tochikubo O, Ikeda A, Miyajima E, Ishii M. Effects of insufficient sleep on blood pressure monitored by a new multibiomedical recorder. Hypertension. 1996;27(6):1318-24.

3 Meier-Ewert HK, Ridker PM, Rifai N, Regan MM, Price NJ, Dinges DF, et al. Effect of sleep loss on C-reactive protein, an inflammatory marker of cardiovascular risk. J Am Coll Cardiol. 2004;43:678-83.

4 Spiegel K, Leproult R, Van Cauter E. Impact of sleep debt on metabolic and endocrine function. Lancet. 1999;354:1435-39.

5 Spiegel K, Tasali E, Penev P, Van Cauter E. Sleep curtailment in healthy young men is associated with decreased leptin levels, elevated ghrelin levels, and increased hunger and appetite. Ann Intern Med. 2004;141:846-50.

Be Super Successful,  Think Transition!

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“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” —Maya Angelou

We MiddleLiving/SuperiorSeniors have this dilemma, work hard your whole life and then,,,,,,,,,,

Go relax is conditioning that was sold to our parents, the Superior-Seniors that I like to call them. This is not going to work for us Middle-Living boomers.

Think about this, not giving up is a precursor to winning.

Looking into the next 30, 40, maybe even 50 years with renewed power and energy is the goal.   Having a renewed sense of purpose, believing anything you ever thought possible is achievable.

Why then do we sometimes marginalize, disregard and disrespect our own experiences? I believe it  relates to experiences with past generations;  the conditioning sold to mom and dad. Retirement was  the golden ticket. Their belief was ” How could thirty years of experiences be of value to anyone, I’m old”?  Today the statement is “how to best utilize your talents, and share them, because I add value”!

Cognitive dissonance is created by inconsistent thoughts, beliefs,  or attitudes leading this harmful feedback loop I call the Negative Energy Tornado;  it also fuels limiting beliefs.

Wasting valuable experiences and human capital is simply that, a waste!

I for one am done with that kind of thinking, it is positive transition and the ReFirement Zone.  Let’s develop a positive external image and attract new and exciting people into our lives!

Self-Improvement and positive expectations  can begin at any time and any age.

Transition can be enhanced by accepting these beliefs-

  • Overcoming setbacks build toughness, character, experience, empathy, confidence
  • Associate with winners
  • Stay socially connected
  • Work on your bucket list
  • Never complain about how life is not fair
  • Admitting insecurities and anxiety is a strength
  • Not trying something new guarantees failure
  • Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t
  • Vulnerability is normal

Seek change as if you life depends on it.  Because it does!

I welcome your comments.

Peace

Where Did the Time Go- ‘MiddleLiving’

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Washington Irving wrote the short story “Rip Van Winkle” in 1819. It tells the story of a man who falls asleep for twenty years, awakens and finds a completely changed world.  In a way we boomers fall into this mystery, where did the years go?

Here is my perspective-

Giving time to everyone, children, spouses, parents and spending time working, attending children’s after school events, professional organizations, classes, meetings.  Late nights, early mornings do any of these sound familiar?

I know I have been there and done many of these;  the big question is “now what”?

Time to awaken and give to yourself!

For me it was becoming accountable.  Admitting that my poor lifestyle choices were leading me down the path to self- destruction, the drinking, drugging, and eating bad foods needed to end.

Sobriety, it is sweet!

Allow yourself to find your spark that enables your dreams, things you may have postponed or overlooked earlier in your life due to “busyness”!

According to the nonprofit group Encore.org, as many as 9 million people aged 44 to 70 are getting paid for work that combines their personal passion with a social purpose.  Also an additional 31 million are interested in making the jump into “encore careers.”  Our time has arrived to make the changes that facilitate our transition into our next phase of life, walking through the front door of the ‘Refirement Zone’.

Here are some tips that helped me toward self-improvement and a happier life-

  • Creating additional time, going to bed ten minutes earlier, getting up five minutes earlier adds up
  • Making physical activities more important and fun; stand, stretch, walk
  • Improving quality and length of sleep
  • Eating more whole foods
  • Drinking more water, eliminating soda
  • Knowing personal numbers such as- blood pressure, triglycerides, cholesterol
  • Making a ‘life gratitude list’
  • Finding mentors
  • Sobriety

Together we rock, ‘Boomers who Rock’!

Peace

A Great Book- ‘The 10 Essential Hugs of Life’

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This is going to be a different type of blog, more ‘cribbed note’ version of a book I just finished.  I have to give credit for this idea to my pal Karri Shalosky, a student at MSU.  I offered to loan this short read to her yesterday.   Knowing that classes just started I thought she may not have the time to cram this bad boy into her schedule, but she sent me a not back and asked for the ‘Tom cribbed version’.

 Once I thought about it, and reflected on how much I enjoyed Roy Spence’s book I felt compelled to share.

 An in depth review of sorts, I really do hope that in reading the Karri ‘cribbed’ version you feel compelled to read the whole book because it rocks.

So here you go everyone, longer than usual, but full of great pearls of wisdom, please consider buying this book, I highly recommend it!

 

ten_essentials_cover

Notes from ‘The 10 Essential Hugs of Life’ by Roy Spence

“Every day you should reach out and touch someone.  People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.”  Maya Angelou

The story of hugs- Hugs lift people up, heal hurts, and spread love.

Genuine hugs give people freedom to be audaciously caring.  They are an act of pure human love, and they give people new ways to build bridges, heal hurts, and put a little joy in the lives of those we touch.  No one should go hugless.  Hugs are free.  And best of all: when you hug, you get hugged back.

Be kind to everyone you meet, because everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

If anything matters everything matters.  Because you are important, everything you do is important.  Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again.

The purpose of hugs- As a wise person once wrote, hugs are the universal medicine.

“I love hugging.  I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug ten people at a time.”  Drew Barrymore

When you go on a journey of hugs, you find so much richness in the language they represent.  A hug says, without a word, that you are special and important, that I have been thinking about or worried about or missing you, and that everything-if just for a moment- is okay in the world.

“Hug, don’t linger.”  Colleen Barrett, retired president of Southwest Airlines

The ways to hug- Some of the most important hugs don’t involve touching at all.

Whatever kind of hug you give, know that a hug says things you do not have the words to express.

The Heart Hug– A Heart Hug gives the good in your life a heartbeat.

Grab onto the moments of goodness with all your heart and hug them tight.

The Touch Hug– Every time you reach out to touch a heart or a life, a life changes.

When you change someone’s life for the better, yours is changed, too.

The Bear Hug– The mother of all the hugs- the loving hug

The Bear Hug does not depend on physical strength, but rather the genuine and authentic strength of love.

 

Image result for love yourself

  • Hug #1- Hug Yourself first- When you hug yourself, it frees you to hug others.

    • “Don’t forget to love yourself.” Soren Kierkegarrd
    • So many of us are taught at an early age to “love your neighbor as yourself.” I try to live according to that principle.  But in order to love your neighbor as yourself, you have to love yourself first-not worshiping yourself- is the only way you can love others.  So first, hug yourself.
    • What is it you miss about yourself?
    • If you do not hug yourself first, there is no way in the world you can hug everybody else.

Image result for faith

  • Hug #2- Hug Your Faith- Your faith grows stronger knowing you have faith.

    • “All I have ever seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
    • When you reach higher ground, you will find that fences are mended, barns are raised, disputes are resolved, and solutions are created- all for the purpose of serving the greater good. Have faith in goodness.  For God is good.
    • Faith in goodness is what unites us.
    • What I learned is that we become what we look for. Look for good, and you will become good, seek goodness in the world, and you will be a force of good in the world.
    • If you look for hope, it will lead you to higher ground.
    • Don’t be afraid to hug what you believe in.
    • Robert Frost was right- there are two roads in in the wood: Road number 1- If you look for enemies, you will find them.  If you look for hate, it will bring you down and break your heart.  If you seek gossip, it will consume you.  If you look for fear, it will follow your life.  Road number 2- If you look for friends, you will befriended.  If you look for love, it will live in your heart and lift you up.  If you seek the truth, it will set you free.  If you look for hope, it will lead you to higher ground.

Image result for family

  • Hug #3- Hug Your Family- Yes, all of them.

    • “Smile at each other, smile at your wife, smile at your husband, smile at your children, smile at each other- it doesn’t matter who it is- and that will help you to grow up in greater love for each other.” Mother Teresa
    • Family members- hate ‘em or hug ‘em. I say go for the hug.
    • You don’t have to like them all; you simply have to hug them all.
    • “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” George Burns

Image result for friends

  • Hug #4- Hug Your Friends- Many times they need it and don’t even know it.

    • “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
    • Everybody wants to be a friend but many don’t want to deal with the ‘ship’. But friendship-in good times and bad-is the stuff of a life well spent.  So hug your friends- just because
      • They might be fighting a battle and really need it, whether you know it or not. They need your love.
      • They are special to you, and everyone needs to be important to somebody.
      • It will bring you closer, it will make you feel better, and it will make them feel better. You have the power to touch their lives.
    • “Wishing to be friends is quick, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” Aristotle
    • Hugging is the great accelerator of closeness.
    • Hug your friends. Your old ones.  Your new ones. Your lost ones.  Because friends are what make the world go round.

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  • Hug #5- Hug Your Flag- All of us come from somewhere and have, at the least, someone.

    • “I’d rather be on my farm than be emperor of the world.” George Washington
    • Hugging your flag isn’t simply about being patriotic; it is about being thankful for the goodness in your community.
    • Acknowledge that you were blessed,,, and find a way to pass that blessing on.

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  • Hug #6- Hug Your Failures- You can own them or they can own you

    • “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”  Helen Keller
    • There is a huge difference between failing and coming up short. Coming up short is simply playing all out and not winning.  Failing is a violation of character.  Don’t confuse the two.
    • Fess up when you mess up.
    • Try to live in truth. If you don’t hug your failures, they’ll haunt you and cast a sea of darkness on your future.

  • Hug #7- Hug Your Fears- Fears have fears, too.

    • “Everything will be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Anonymous
    • Fear loves the darkness. It fears being exposed.  It would rather haunt and bully you from the shadows of your mind, heart and soul.  Hug your fears, shine a light on them, and bring light to the darkness.
    • If we don’t hug our fears, if we don’t embrace them as a part of who we are, they will haunt us.
    • Ask yourself. Why am I afraid of that?  Get past the surface, the symptom, to discover the deeper fear, Get it out.  Say it out loud.

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  • Hug #8- Hug Your Future- Never, never give up on your dream.

    • “Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
    • If you can dream it, you can build it.
    • Your future is your heart and mind; it is your passion; it is what you love to do; it is your dream. Most importantly, it is your purpose in life.
    • If you want to take that first step in discovering your purpose, write down what you love to do.
    • The only way the world can take away your future, take away your dreams, is if you choose to let those things go.
    • “Where talents and the needs of the world cross, therein lies your vocation.” Aristotle
    • If you do what you love, you will never have a job. You will simply have work to do.  Work that you love, that you master, and that therefore improves other people’s lives and your life, too.  You will burn out trying to be average at what you’re bad at.
    • Because doing what you love to do is the stuff that dreams are made of.

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  • Hug #9- Hug Your Firsts- And keep doing new stuff everyday.

    • “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did’nt do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore.  Dream. Discover.”  Mark Twain
    • Instead of making New Year’s resolutions that are mostly punitive, make a new bucket list every year- new things to explore and try. Trust me, you are more likely to actually do new and exciting things than accomplish a list of don’ts.
    • If you can’t remember the alst time you felt the thrill of trying something new, you’re in a rut.

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  • Hug #10- Hug Your Finals- Hug your finals and new doors will open.

    • “What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.” Unknown
    • Until my dad passed away, I did not know that when one really hugs a final moment, that hug opens up a world of brand-new firsts.
    • “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which opened for us.”  Helen Keller
    • Every first begins with a final.
    • As long as you are living, the only door that never closes is the door to your future.

 

Roy Spence grew up in Brownwood, Texas and today is chairman and cofounder of GSD&M.  The agency has helped grow some of the world’s most successful brands and has made a difference in communities around the country and the world.  Roy is author or coauthor ‘The Amazing Fate of Texas’, ‘It’s Not What you Sell, It’s What You Stand For’, and ‘Don’t Mess With Texas.’  He is also cofounder and CEO of the ‘Purpose Institute’, helping companies discover their purpose.  He is the proud father of three kids, and lives in Austin, Texas, with his wife, Mary.

Thank you Mr. Spence for writing this book, it was great!

 

peace,

tom

 

 

 

Becoming An Athlete – A Young Woman’s Journey Into Fitness

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One of the greatest feelings is accomplishing something that you once thought impossible!

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This is a true story of a journey that I hope can inspire many, women and men, boys and girls to become more active in their lives.

There is this thing in life that can determine if you are focused enough to withstand adversity, down times and hardship.  It’s called grit.

What is grit, really?  I believe it is word that’s been used to describe many things, but it really is a very specific word, with a very specific meaning: when things get hard, you push harder; when you fail, you get back up stronger; when you don’t see results, you do not get dejected, but you continue to pound away day after day, after day, with relentlessness, steadiness, heart, and passion—that my friends is grit!

This past year, actually it was the beginning of the winter semester at Michigan State University, January to be exact, was a usual winter grind.   Going into the gym in January you can typically expect pitch dark mornings and brutally cold temperatures, it is rough, and it certainly takes a special kind of person to consistently show up.  January always brings the New Year’s resolution crowd, so there will be a quite few newbies trying to work into the new goal, build a habit, strengthen the resolve and get into shape.

By the end of January most of them are gone, back to the comfort of warm beds and sleeping late.

Those wanna be’s lacked grit, that is most of them; however this past year there was this student who pressed on, solo and stone-faced, resolute in grinding.  This girl had something, and I watched from afar to see if she had what it took to hang.

After the lightweights had burned up their ill planned goals, went back to the old habits and routines I decided to see what was up with this kid, this loner who seemed to have something, maybe talent, perhaps guts, and even possibly the all-important ‘grit’.  As this student worked on a pretty decent plank, (a core strengthening move, which basically sucks ass) I commented on it to her.  I do not even remember the whole thing, something simple, the reaction was pretty much “leave me alone old dude”, I liked it.  This girl just might have ‘It’, the all-important grit !

Continuing on through the winter I saw this hard assed kid sticking to the routine, actually making progress, working a pretty solid routine of lifting and HIIT, pretty impressive actually.  I really was starting to admire this girls determination and grit, but I really thought she would fade away like so many before her, the delicate flower, wilting.   I have seen this a thousand times.  She however did not.

I made another comment to this girl, typically as a CPT (certified personal trainer) we are taught not to offer unsolicited advice to gym participants, but I had to know what this kids game was.  Usually a pretty active high-school athletic career is the norm.   Virtually no one I have ever met at the gym, especially the early morning warriors, has not competed in something at the varsity or even club level, I would venture it’s probably 99%.  When I asked this young woman what her game was, her history, her sport, she said she did not do anything, nothing!  She read books!

Read books?  Come on, no way!

If you ever doubted yourself, if you ever thought you could not fit in, use my friends example of a journey into the lions den, that place which can sometimes be compared to as the college gym facility.   The home where young warriors live, full of young, hard bodies killing it, not welcoming to the novice, or bookworm newbie, with no experience.

That is unless you read this testimonial and it changes your mind-

“A year ago I was a very insecure and unhealthy person. I thought the solution was to go without food and sprint myself away. I had very little mobility and even less strength, and I was simply miserable all the time. Now I’m still a string bean, but instead of working to eliminate myself I get up every day to make myself stronger. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, but I’m also the strongest, most capable, and happiest I’ve ever been. It’s uncomfortable, and sometimes seems nearly impossible, but I promise this fitness stuff is all it’s cracked up to be and more.” 

Samantha Medved 

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The hardest part of change is always the first step; do not let a fear or lack of perceived talent dissuade your effort.  People see talent, but what they fail to see is the work behind accomplishments, the grit the grinding the loneliness and the anxiety.  We all go through it; you are not alone, hardly.  The idea that ‘God-given talent’ gives someone an out, an excuse, if you think about it.  You were not blessed with incredible once in a generation skills, so you get a pass for not achieving once in a life-in- a generation success as an athlete, fit person or successful in life.  What most of us do not see behind the talented, strong person, those who become massive success stories in their own right, is a daily schedule of grind, hours of sucking it up, and a whole regimen of difficult and sometimes lonely moments when the only partner you have is the music playing in your head.  It is the tiniest of details, it is the desire to find yourself, and it is your inner grit that can drive you.

Use my friend Samantha’s story as a catalyst, she had no game, she had no experience and she had no training that is until she walked through the door on a cold assed January morning.  Alone and stone-faced she sucked it up and now, well now you know the story!

peace

PS-

The best part of writing this piece was actually instilled into my being when I read the above Face Book post by Sam.  She is NOT the type of person who would share personal stories, accomplishments and achievements; she is a humble and very reserved young woman.  That is changing and her story is so great that I felt compelled to write this post.   I hope Sam’s words  assist many others see the world through her eyes and journey.

If only one it was worth the effort, this lady is going places!

t

Anyone got some ‘Change’ Handy?

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Can we please discuss ‘Change’ for a minute?

Change is a paradox.  Perceived as hard, well guess what, it’s hard!  Perceived as easy, another toughie, it’s easy.  Perceived as ‘doable’ now let’s talk.

Brad Arnold is the lead singer of the band ‘Three Doors Down’ and in their tune, (which I love) ‘Be Like That’ illustrates a person’s desire to change.  Brad sings the following lyrics in the chorus of the song-

“If I could be like that

Well I would give anything

Just to live one day

In those shoes

If I could be like that

What would I do?

What would I do?

Now in dreams we run”

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Now in dreams we run, hmmm.  What would I do, hmmmmmmmm. If I could be like that,  oooooh,,,,

Change-

Listening to this song this morning on the antique IPod while doing my body work, lab work, gym work, Tom work, whatever work, instantly inspired this article.   Inspiration comes at anytime, anywhere, so grab it.

Change is right in front of you!

I have to share a paragraph from Tom Friedmans book, ‘Thank You for Being Late- An Optimists Guide to Thriving in the Age of Acceleration’.   Please check this out, and let the message sort of marinate, like a fine steak ready for the Bar-b-Que.

“Looking back on all of my interviews for this book, how many times in how many different contexts did I hear about the vital importance of having a caring adult or mentor in every young person’s life?  How many times did I hear about the value of having a coach—whether you are applying for a job for the first time at Walmart or running Walmart?  How many times did I hear people stressing the importance of self-motivation and practice and taking ownership of your own career or education as the real differentiators for success?  How interesting was it to learn that the highest-paying jobs in the future will be in ‘Stempathy’ jobs—jobs that combine strong science and technology skill with the ability to empathize with another human being.”

“That’s why when I wasn’t surprised that when I asked Surgeon General Murthy what was the biggest disease in America today, without hesitation he answered: “It’s not cancer.  It’s not heart disease.  It’s isolation”.

 

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“If I could be like that

Well I would give anything

Just to live one day

In those shoes

If I could be like that

What would I do?

What would I do?

Now in dreams we run”

Three Doors Down

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We live in a community that is lacking continuity.  We live in a country that has divisiveness and greatness all rolled into one.  I love the term “through adversity grows opportunity,” time for filling some shoes, building aspirations, and opening some doors.

Stepping up could not happen at a better time gang!

Affecting change is about being a good person, being a proactive soul who believes in a lifelong commitment to others and their self-improvement.  Paying it forward creates a culture of change, positivity grows and with it hope.  As Dr. Wayne Dyer said, “When given a choice between right and being kind, choose kind.”  Change has many potentials and possibilities, outcomes and resources.

Change

Anthony Tjan stated in his book ‘Good People’ –

“If we extend our reach even further and imprint this goodness on the many people in our lives, we will begin to glimpse and feel how truly human leadership can catalyze real and amazing change”.

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I use this equation in my keynotes about change-

Choice + Challenge = Change

Change is directly proportional to the level of challenge, but we have to choose.  Anyone can choose something simple and easy, your change will be tiny, and if that works for you, (and frankly I will take tiny over nothing any day), so be it.  Just make your move and change.

Change is simply an ability to sustain effort over time.  Part of the issue in the Internet-Techno-Pop-I Want it Now culture we find ourselves in is the make believe dream that instantaneous gratification is actually a good thing.  I think it poisons a mindset and robs a person of compound investment of life and skills building.

Ask Michael Jordan how many time he shot a basketball!

Change

Influence others in a positive way and watch how your life improves.  Becoming a life enhancing, paying it forward agent of good and an influencer is noble way to live and fun to boot.   Step back and appreciate your long term investment in effort and watch potentials.  Flowers grow, people learn, babies are born and fulfillment expands.  Reach out, break down isolation, make that visit, call or touch someone.  Hugs work and telling someone you love them does too.  I have been called a ‘Padawan’ and once I figured out what that meant I was totally chill with it!

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Change

peace