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Embracing My ‘Midlife Crisis’

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I had always thought that a ‘Midlife Crisis’ was a time around fifty years old.  Mine hit me like a sledgehammer when I was thirty-seven. I have always been an outlier, so expecting anything different, well, probably not happening.   Psychology today defines Midlife as- “the central period of a person’s life, spanning from approximately age 40 to age 65”. Where “adults may take on new job responsibilities and therefore often feel a need to reassess their professional standing and make changes while they feel they still have time.”  [i]

In my case the re-assessment was not due to a work situation, not even close, it was time to get off the 20 year long party bus.  Been through a terrible marriage, lived in my own self-pity party and used the “woe is me” excuse for self-medicating and blaming everything and everyone else for my problems.  Little did I know that the emptiness that had become my life was my own lack of accountability for my own problems.  When accountability arrives, you can start to love yourself a little more.  This small step was the beginning of a new life.

In the 1965 article “Death and the Midlife Crisis” psychologist Elliot Jaques coined the term “Midlife Crisis,” referring to a time when adults reckon with their own mortality and their remaining years of productive life.  Midlife can be a tense time, and many people feel unhappy and edgy as they fight with the thought of growing older, our mortality, and our sense of purpose in life.[ii]

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When I decided to get sober and go into therapy, I had just turned 38 years old.  Up until then life was a carousel of routines and habits, which for the most part were mostly bad.  Routines that included being a single dad and a person who avoided loving interpersonal romantic relationships.  Daily after work self-indulgence, what I called “going into the garage” led to a pattern and habit that needed to end.

The steps to self-improvement would begin through counseling I received; the kindness of a psychologist who actually did not see patients but took me on as a favor to my physician that would begin the journey of accountability and reflection.  You see owning your issues; facing the emptiness and loneliness that is problem drinking and drugging can actually be very liberating.  Taking buried feelings, some from my childhood, and facing my identity was the key to lifting myself out of a dysfunctional and morally wrong lifestyle.

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What I needed to do was grow up.  This perpetual 20 something lifestyle that haphazardly fell into my 30’s was a train wreck waiting to happen.  I needed to know ‘who I was, and what was my purpose in life’, ‘where was I going and why am I doing all of this?’  At some point, I had to realize that unresolved issues, like dropping out of college in my 20’s, and my failed marriage were my own fault.  Sometimes you just gotta grow a pair, you know what I mean?

In my work, I have come to the realization that life is a set of phases, that growth and maturity happen at different times for people, but we all really do live in these four phases.  For me it started with youth (birth-18), young adulthood (19-39), MiddleLiving, the sweet spot and biggest of my phases (40-85), and the glorious time of becoming a ‘Superior Senior’ (86+).  Yours may be slightly different, everyone matures differently but I think you see the point.  If we embrace the phases for what they are, opportunities for experiential growth and learning, we never enter into the ‘crisis’ mode.

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Crisis is defined as, “a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger.  A time when a difficult or important decision must be made”.[iii]  A Midlife Crisis can start as a small or irritating doubts which may encourage a series of intense irrational events potentially leading to thoughts of doubt which ultimately can lead to great change. A person experiencing challenges with midlife may ask herself “Is this all there is”?  Or “am I a failure”?  It will be at this time that those who can see past the cloudy doom or getting old and embrace the thought and excitement of ‘growing older’ that the experiential lifestyle takes on new meaning.  Searching for happiness is not the answer, because the more we search, the more confounding and unhappy we become.  Buying ‘things’ a new car, the latest computer, smart phone won’t work.  Abandoning or even betraying relationships, as dreadful as some may seem, potentially could be better served by investing some soul, some energy, and some effort.  Statistics point out that those with connections, friends, outlets and hobbies live longer and lead a more fulfilling life.

Quitters never win and winners never quit!

The universe possesses and is made up of energy, so are we.  Attracting like souls, building new friendships, exploring new opportunities is at a new place in our human existence.  The Internet has completely changed everything.  Barriers to entry are shattered, the ‘Creative Destruction’ (new ways of doing things which in essence lead to positive changes) was  described by Economist Joseph Schumpeter and called ‘Schumpeter’s Gale’ by some was coined in the 1940’s.  Today ‘Creative Destruction’, carries even more weight, responsibility and opportunity.  It is how we choose, when we choose, or if we choose to live with love and open hearts attracting the positive energy that is so abundant in the Universe, leveraging the potential of positive change through Schumpeter’s, ‘Creative Destruction’.

I have a new model that I am using for the rest of my life, I call this “The Four Pillars”! I would love to inspire and encourage everyone to think about this as we all mature and stay relevant in our lives.  What are your pillars?  My pillars are-

Passion –> Purpose –> Optimism –> Faith

By allowing your pillars to support your life you will find meaning. It will be through finding meaning that happiness finds you.  The pillars support the catalyst, the catalyst opens the adjacent possibles.  My personal journey has been a continual building of the future. The darkness when understood, gives foundational strength and opportunity to embrace personal pillars.  Cornerstones give strength to a strong castle that is life.

I love the words ‘Lynchpin’ and ‘Serendipity’; those two words are what have helped me to embrace my growing older with grace and excitement.  If we all can remember that life is a gift, which we can only control what happens within our own minds and then lead to fulfillment and success.

Use another acronym that I love, ‘I-Squared-Inspire & Influence’ when you live with joy, with grace, with compassion and with empathy you never get old, you survive all crisis’s, you reach as Abraham Maslow taught us in his hierarchy of needs, the pinnacle of life, ‘self-actualization’.

We all need to become ok in our own skin, sometimes it takes longer to really understand how important it is to love oneself.  Believe me, it took me a while, hardships, poor decisions, morally corrupt behavior to grasp what is truly good.  When you do finally realize that as the Universal energy is always surrounding us, accepting how important it is to live with grace and purpose begins with love, laughing and sharing, I now love my life so much it is crazy.  At some point, together we all can reach this level, I want to help, I owe the Universe because it took care of me when I did not love myself very much, and for that I am very grateful.

Thank you to my young friend Hannah Messing for giving me some advice and editorial feedback on this article.  Her input on many of our generational objectives is appreciated.  ‘Be Grateful’

[i] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/midlife

[ii] ibid

[iii] https://www.google.com/search?q=define+crisis&oq=define+crisis&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.4655j1j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Stuck in the Past

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“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”

Bil Keane

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Sometimes we make the critical mistake of dwelling on something that has happened in the past.  Personally it took me quite some time to come to grips with my demons of alcohol and drug abuse, however once I accepted my choices moving on became the new-new me.

Having history hold you back is very common and can be a major limiting belief, an albatross.  Do any of these scenarios sound familiar-

  • You wish you could push the rewind button so you could get a ‘do over’ in a portion of your life
  • You struggle with regrets about your past
  • You feel the best days in your life are past you

We may subconsciously feel that if I am miserable long enough, eventually I will forgive myself.  I know I was guilty of this, are you?

The fear of moving forward, and of future successes, may be holding firmly in the past.  We can overcome, and together we can become liberated and free.  All dwelling on the past does is cloud our minds of the brightness that can be the future new-new you!

Romanticizing on the “glory-days” is simply an escape from reality, a major distraction, and frankly a waste of time.  Being stuck in the past can interfere with the future. It does not solve anything and can lead to darkness and depression.

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Let’s think about these-

  • Create a plan to help someone else, use your experience as a catalyst for good
  • Give yourself permission to move forward, self -forgiveness is a blessing
  • Understand that moving forward with your life is challenging and potentially painful, it’s ok
  • Embrace and accept past events so you can make living in the present fulfilling
  • Love yourself for who you are, because if you don’t no one else will

peace

The ‘Well Being Paradigm’

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“For me, fitness is not just about hitting the gym; it is also about an inner happiness and an overall well-being.”

Rakul Preet Singh

I am a believer that ‘Wellbeing’ is a key to growing older with zest and pizazz.  I have used the term in a speech that I deliver called the ‘Well Being Paradigm’ with the paradigm consisting of five components. I label these the “Fantastic-Five”, which are-

  • Wellness
  • Science
  • Technology
  • Medicine
  • Behavior

Each of these components has its own depth. One of the fun parts of discussing the journey and mission of living and flourishing is talking about these.  For example in my world, ‘Wellness’ is the leadoff hitter. The ‘WBP’ (wellbeing paradigm) has eight levels which are-

  • Physical and Intellectual
  • Occupational and Financial
  • Spiritual and Emotional
  • Social and Environmental

Identifying your strength and relative weakness in any of these subcategories can help us grow.  This is a key to Generativity.  Psychologist Eric Erickson is attributed with this concept and I was introduced to it by my friend and guest on our radio program Psychologist Dr. Debbie Heiser.  Framed by giving back to society through raising our children, being productive at work and becoming involved in community activities and organizations, Generativity helps us develop a sense of being a part of the larger life picture.

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Being in the ‘MiddleLiving’ phase of life (40-85) gives all of us ample opportunity to make amends, shape our future and give back.  I like to say that the “Bling-Bling doesn’t have the same Ring-Ring” it once did. Understanding and working within the ‘Fantastic-Five’ can enable our continued development and growth.

Generativity is the rocket fuel that can launch us into a fulfilled life. Growth does not stop at a certain age, and it actually can be enhanced as we grow into the next chapters.  It is up to each of us to determine the robustness, think about this-

  • Flourishing is reflective of positivity
  • Happiness is an attribute of mental health
  • Life satisfaction is part of each person’s soul
  • Giving back enhances it all, in every way, every day!

Peace

The One Thing You Must Do To Improve Your Life

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Out of shape? Not eating right? Too busy and too tired to care? Don’t know where to start? Try this.

Not that long ago, I was out of shape, eating food that was lousy for me, and I was too tired to care. But it all changed because of my father’s dog.
The dog’s name was Mr. Peabody, and the dog was morbidly obese. My father took the dog out for McDonald’s sausage sandwiches every morning, and went back for ice cream every night. That dog was double a healthy weight, and had diabetes. The vet gave him just a few months to live unless my father could take better care of him.
My father loved that dog and immediately began changing their habits. Instead of going out for McDonald’s sausage sandwiches, they went for a walk. Instead of ice cream every night, they went for another walk. And my father carefully administered insulin shots for the dog. Within a couple of months, Mr. Peabody was down to a healthy weight, his youthful energy returned, and we thought it was a miracle.
Of course it wasn’t a miracle.
My father cared about that dog but he realized in the nick of time that he also had to care for the dog.

So it was for me

I spent many years slowly putting on weight until, at the age of 43, I was in a very unhealthy shape. I wanted to make a change and already I had tried every gimmick diet I could find. Nothing worked beyond a couple of months before my old habits crept back into my life. It was frustrating to the point of despair. I wanted to have energy to be an active part of my family, especially my kids’ lives. Instead, I was risking my health.
In fact, my cholesterol had spiked and my doctor wanted me to go on statins. Things were not looking good for me.

Then I remembered Mr. Peabody

I remembered my father’s dog, Mr. Peabody, and it hit me that my father took better care of that dog than I was taking care of myself. I decided I needed to care for myself the way my father cared for his dog.
I was able to lose weight, improve my physical fitness, and improve my health overall. I had more energy, slept better, and was able to work on passion projects in addition to doing well at my career.
Of course, this didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t even happen in a couple of months (not at all like it was for Mr. Peabody the dog). It took over a year. But knowing that it took me 30 years to mess up my health, I decided I would give myself two years to restore my health. And when I was able to declare it a success in less than two years, I felt like I’d really accomplished something.
Keeping up those routines for that long wasn’t easy. So how did I do it?

The one thing

The key for me was to connect my goal — improved health — to what I cared about — my family. With that, I was able to establish a healthy pattern of better nutrition and regular exercise.
I shed the weight I didn’t need, lowered my cholesterol, and really adopted a habit for healthy living. Ten years later, that habit is still a strong part of my life and I’m happier than I ever have been before.
Not that I don’t have challenges each day in keeping that habit. But I keep a firm hold on the source of my motivation — taking care of myself so that I can be a part of my family — to help me overcome obstacles as I find a way each day to keep taking care of myself.

Enough about me. What about you?

So how do you do this? What if your situation is entirely different than mine? What are you going to do?
The first thing is to identify what it is that you care enough about to want to change your life. It doesn’t have to be about your own family. It could be a goal entirely of your own choosing, such as learning to be an artist of some kind, or taking up a sport, or starting a new career.
You can even have goals that have nothing to do with health or fitness. But I promise you that health and fitness have everything to do with achieving any goal because our bodies and minds perform better when we are in good health.
Still, the key is to pick your goal. Think about it, write it down, then sleep on it.
In the morning, if you are sure it’s the right goal, then you can take the next step.

Once you have your goal, this is the next step

Congratulate yourself.
That’s right. Take a moment and acknowledge how you have taken the first step in a journey towards doing something amazing for yourself.
Celebrate.
That’s right, not only are you to congratulate yourself but I want you to celebrate. Buy yourself something nice, like a new outfit, or go see a movie, or some token of appreciation that will be meaningful to you.
Why?
Because one of the most important things you must do to break free of your old, self-destructive habits is to replace them with new, self-improving habits. And the way to do that is to reward your good actions. Choosing the reason you are going to take better care of yourself is the most important action to take, and you must convince your own mind that it is a worthy endeavor.

And next?

Find a place to keep that thing you care about close and familiar. You can write it down in a journal every morning. Or write it down on a card and read it to yourself every day. Or, better still, build a vision board about that thing and hang it on your bedroom wall.
This sounds very elaborate but you are going to be struggling to overcome a lifetime of resistance to achieving your goal and changing self-destructive habits. Remember, the human brain is actually wired for efficiency, and so the easiest thing for your brain to do is nothing. Don’t go get healthy food from the store. Don’t get dressed and exercise. Don’t go to bed on time but stay up late binge watching whatever the television plays.
You will need a reason to care for yourself that is near and dear to your heart. You will also need to remind yourself of that reason as you struggle to adopt self-improving habits and reach for your goal.

Finally, this is what you do with that thing you care about…

If you can do all that, you can use it to take the next step in your journey to save your life. Which I will talk about in my next article.